But Where is God?

Ever have moments you feel the urge to do something? Pressure starts building up on the inside and when you ignore it, the pressure gets more intense until finally you give in just to experience relief? I am there today. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last. I think of these moments as obedience tests. Sometimes things come out of it that I do not expect. Last summer (2025), for example, I felt this overwhelming urge to get a weekend program started for child care for young families in our church. I'm sitting in a Wednesday night service and arguing with God, though let's be honest, He wasn't arguing. I was thinking of my schedule. How busy I am all the time and how I did not have time to start and participate in such an endeavor. Sitting in the pew, the pressure was building in my chest. It felt like being swaddled tighter and tighter, then finally I said yes I'd obey and go for it. That pressure immediately lifted and the relief was crazy. But I have to admit I didn't really want to move forward with it. I even remember as I was talking to people about it, how I kept saying I am too busy for this but God put this on me. Reluctant obedience. So there I was, talking to all the right people and telling them what was being put upon me all the while thinking this will be an addition to my already full schedule that I don’t want. Then, I quit reluctantly obeying. I willingly obeyed, getting more excited about the possibilities. I obeyed in communicating the program I was aiming for, stressed about the endeavor but excited to get the opportunity to love on families in such a way. Thinking it would grow to be an amazing way to serve every few months but then things just fizzled out. A weekend program wasn’t possible, I didn’t feel called by God to follow other suggestions, just nothing. Definitely not how I thought things would go. But that would just be another time where God wasn't telling me to do something to accomplish some major plan that I could see, He was telling me to obey Him. The outcome didn't matter - He already knew the outcome. I just had to obey. 

So here I am today, after recent obedience with a trip to Guatemala, coming home with a plan for a few more projects that will add to my plate but I followed in obedience in putting them forward to the proper people and now this blog post. The one I've avoided for so long. So many times people have said, "you should write a book", or "you should give your testimony at...." and while that's a nice idea, I haven’t felt called to that currently. Yet now, here on this hot summer day, second day of homeschooling, I feel the pressure of putting part of my testimony on my lighthearted blog. So instead of arguing, procrastinating, or even ignoring, I am here typing, not sure what the final plan is but willingly following God's direction. 

A lot of times we face hard moments in life. Illnesses. Death. Natural disasters. Financial woes. The list goes on. The burdens feel heavy, suffocating at times. Darkness lingers as hope of getting through yet another hardship diminishes. We start to ask ourselves, where is God? Why hasn't He fixed this? How can He allow this to happen? And we start to doubt. We doubt His sovereignty, His love, and even doubt ourselves. We hear the platitudes that things will get better, just keep hoping, and of course the Christian favorites of keep praying, read your Bible, He's still there, etc. But when you're in the darkness, feeling so deep down the well that light can't possibly reach, it's hard to see past that moment. 

But it's just that. A moment. A singular bit of time that will one day be part of your past as you hold on to your future. How do I know? Because I've been there. I am the oldest of 3 kids. If you ask about my family history, I'll half laugh and tell you it's a mess. I have a biological father, who, last I looked on his social media page, has declared on his public profile picture that I died in a car wreck when I was 5. That was news to me. I have a legal father (dec.), mother, brother, sister (dec.), grandfather (dec.), couple of uncles (1 dec.) - all who fought or still fight the battles of addiction. Alcohol, prescription medicines, drugs - it's all been a part of the family life I grew up in. My grandmother (dec.), who I loved and felt so close to, was a practicing Buddhist but family stories tell me she was quite the partier in her younger days. Crazy thing, up until I was 12, I grew up Baptist. My legal father was a deacon in a small church and we were there every time the doors were open. But our lives were not God honoring when we were not there. Inside our home, life was not at all like the outside world saw it to be. 

Abuse. I really dislike that word. I don't like to use it, definitely do not like to think of myself as a victim of it. Yet I experienced a lot of different forms of it. Mental, physical, emotional, neglect and even spiritual. All before I turned 18. There were so many times I'd be on my knees, sobbing so hard I could not breathe, not understanding why God would allow a child like me to suffer through so many of these things. Between the ages of 18-25, I would fight the overwhelming darkness in the middle of the night, depressed beyond measure, contemplating things that, as my great grandmother would say, "are part of God's job for He gives and takes away life". I would be stuck in those moments, feeling the despair as a heavy weight and unable to remove it. 

But where was God? Right there with me. I had to learn to focus on Him. Bet you've heard that before, right? Probably thinking, oh gee, is that all? And yes, I heard it said so many times. I had anger towards those pushing that at me. I thought oh wow, why didn't I think of that and called them stupid, not understanding, impossible to relate, etc. I felt alone on the island of me, me, me and my battles. It was not easy yet focusing on God was not an empty platitude. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Stepping out of the mindset of victimhood. Discontinuing to dwell in the darkness. Actively seeking the light. 

I didn't magically have the urge to pick up the Bible and fill my mind with God's Word. I didn't suddenly obtain the desire to worship Him, be around His people, reach out to others, or any other idea that was suggested. I cried. I hid in my closet. I drove for hours. I ate way too much junk food. I zoned out in front of the television. I went to clubs with friends. And God was still there. Waiting patiently. Putting small things in front of me that I wouldn't notice until I started looking back asking where He was during those times. He was there.

A verse that kept appearing on billboards around my office. An atheist struggling with his faith after discovering he was dying. A Christian who always stayed strong in the Word of God and was not ashamed to share their faith nor their struggles. A counselor who acknowledged my darkness and limitations but encouraged growth and gave me the tools I needed. And finally, a church home. Not a church full of perfect people, definitely not that. A church of people who struggle. Who offered a recovery program that gave me a better foundation. Sunday classes with teachers who were transparent in their own shortcomings. A church that through 2 decades of my life, has had its ups and downs, but has shown what it is like to love God, love people and to struggle well. 

It was not easy. It was impossible for me to accomplish. To not fall into addiction. To not stay in depression. To not continue holding onto the chains of my past. Completely impossible. But God. He broke those chains. He gave me hope. He held me in the darkest of times. He showed me the way to a better future. He has always been there, no matter how I was feeling in the moment. 

These days I have a lot of platitudes I tell myself. “I can do anything for a moment”, “God’s got me/this”, “One moment at a time”, “Get out of yourself” and more. Every day is not perfect, but definitely better than it ever was. Not because of me. Not because I’m mentally stronger, spiritually more faithful, or anything I have ever done. But because of God. Where is He? He is right here, right now and He always will be.