But Where is God?

Ever have moments you feel the urge to do something? Pressure starts building up on the inside and when you ignore it, the pressure gets more intense until finally you give in just to experience relief? I am there today. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last. I think of these moments as obedience tests. Sometimes things come out of it that I do not expect. Last summer (2025), for example, I felt this overwhelming urge to get a program started for child care for young families in our church. I'm sitting in a Wednesday night service and arguing with God, though let's be honest, He wasn't arguing. I was thinking of my schedule. How busy I am all the time and how I did not have time to start and participate in such an endeavor. Sitting in the pew, the pressure was building in my chest. It felt like being swaddled tighter and tighter, then finally I said yes I'd obey and go for it. That pressure immediately lifted and the relief was crazy. But I have to admit I didn't really want to move forward with it. I even remember as I was talking to people about it, how I kept saying I am too busy for this but God put this on me. Reluctant obedience. So there I was, talking to all the right people and telling them what was being put upon me all the while thinking this will be an addition to my already full schedule that I don’t want. Then, I quit reluctantly obeying. I willingly obeyed, getting more excited about the possibilities. I obeyed in communicating the program I was aiming for, stressed about the endeavor but excited to get the opportunity to love on families in such a way. Thinking it would grow to be an amazing way to serve every few months but then things just fizzled out. Program wasn’t possible, I didn’t feel called by God to follow other suggestions, just nothing. Definitely not how I thought things would go. But that would just be another time where God wasn't telling me to do something to accomplish some major plan that I could see, He was telling me to obey Him. The outcome didn't matter - He already knew the outcome. I just had to obey. 

So here I am today, after recent obedience with a trip to Guatemala, coming home with a plan for a few more projects that will add to my plate but I followed in obedience in putting them forward to the proper people and now this blog post. The one I've avoided for so long. So many times people have said, "you should write a book", or "you should give your testimony at...." and while that's a nice idea, I haven’t felt called to that currently. Yet now, here on this hot summer day, second day of homeschooling, I feel the pressure of putting part of my testimony on my lighthearted blog. So instead of arguing, procrastinating, or even ignoring, I am here typing, not sure what the final plan is but willingly following God's direction. 

A lot of times we face hard moments in life. Illnesses. Death. Natural disasters. Financial woes. The list goes on. The burdens feel heavy, suffocating at times. Darkness lingers as hope of getting through yet another hardship diminishes. We start to ask ourselves, where is God? Why hasn't He fixed this? How can He allow this to happen? And we start to doubt. We doubt His sovereignty, His love, and even doubt ourselves. We hear the platitudes that things will get better, just keep hoping, and of course the Christian favorites of keep praying, read your Bible, He's still there, etc. But when you're in the darkness, feeling so deep down the well that light can't possibly reach, it's hard to see past that moment. 

But it's just that. A moment. A singular bit of time that will one day be part of your past as you hold on to your future. How do I know? Because I've been there. I am the oldest of 3 kids. If you ask about my family history, I'll half laugh and tell you it's a mess. I have a biological father, who, last I looked on his social media page, has declared on his public profile picture that I died in a car wreck when I was 5. That was news to me. I have a legal father (dec.), mother, brother, sister (dec.), grandfather (dec.), couple of uncles (1 dec.) - all who fought or still fight the battles of addiction. Alcohol, prescription medicines, drugs - it's all been a part of the family life I grew up in. My grandmother (dec.), who I loved and felt so close to, was a practicing Buddhist but family stories tell me she was quite the partier in her younger days. Crazy thing, up until I was 12, I grew up Baptist. My legal father was a deacon in a small church and we were there every time the doors were open. But our lives were not God honoring when we were not there. Inside our home, life was not at all like the outside world saw it to be. 

Abuse. I really dislike that word. I don't like to use it, definitely do not like to think of myself as a victim of it. Yet I experienced a lot of different forms of it. Mental, physical, emotional, neglect and even spiritual. All before I turned 18. There were so many times I'd be on my knees, sobbing so hard I could not breathe, not understanding why God would allow a child like me to suffer through so many of these things. Between the ages of 18-25, I would fight the overwhelming darkness in the middle of the night, depressed beyond measure, contemplating things that, as my great grandmother would say, "are part of God's job for He gives and takes away life". I would be stuck in those moments, feeling the despair as a heavy weight and unable to remove it. 

But where was God? Right there with me. I had to learn to focus on Him. Bet you've heard that before, right? Probably thinking, oh gee, is that all? And yes, I heard it said so many times. I had anger towards those pushing that at me. I thought oh wow, why didn't I think of that and called them stupid, not understanding, impossible to relate, etc. I felt alone on the island of me, me, me and my battles. It was not easy yet focusing on God was not an empty platitude. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Stepping out of the mindset of victimhood. Discontinuing to dwell in the darkness. Actively seeking the light. 

I didn't magically have the urge to pick up the Bible and fill my mind with God's Word. I didn't suddenly obtain the desire to worship Him, be around His people, reach out to others, or any other idea that was suggested. I cried. I hid in my closet. I drove for hours. I ate way too much junk food. I zoned out in front of the television. I went to clubs with friends. And God was still there. Waiting patiently. Putting small things in front of me that I wouldn't notice until I started looking back asking where He was during those times. He was there.

A verse that kept appearing on billboards around my office. An atheist struggling with his faith after discovering he was dying. A Christian who always stayed strong in the Word of God and was not ashamed to share their faith nor their struggles. A counselor who acknowledged my darkness and limitations but encouraged growth and gave me the tools I needed. And finally, a church home. Not a church full of perfect people, definitely not that. A church of people who struggle. Who offered a recovery program that gave me a better foundation. Sunday classes with teachers who were transparent in their own shortcomings. A church that through 2 decades of my life, has had its ups and downs, but has shown what it is like to love God, love people and to struggle well. 

It was not easy. It was impossible for me to accomplish. To not fall into addiction. To not stay in depression. To not continue holding onto the chains of my past. Completely impossible. But God. He broke those chains. He gave me hope. He held me in the darkest of times. He showed me the way to a better future. He has always been there, no matter how I was feeling in the moment. 

These days I have a lot of platitudes I tell myself. “I can do anything for a moment”, “God’s got me/this”, “One moment at a time”, “Get out of yourself” and more. Every day is not perfect, but definitely better than it ever was. Not because of me. Not because I’m mentally stronger, spiritually more faithful, or anything I have ever done. But because of God. Where is He? He is right here, right now and He always will be. 

Relational Hospitaliity

Another gorgeous day in Guatemala and we're delivering food to families and a water filter system. The morning is already shaping up to be fantastic considering house number two has me privileged to snuggle a gorgeous 8 month old baby girl. The fourth home we stop in is the first time the habitant is visibly flustered. She nervously moves pots and pans around, smooths her hair frequently, needlessly straighening her clothes as she apologizes for a mess that I had not even noticed. I am too busy looking at the beautiful turquoise walls and noticing that though she was nervous her smile was still welcoming and warm. It takes me back to an event I attended where Barbara Rainey spoke on our homes being embassies for the Lord and the importance of being welcoming. Here this beautiful lady is nervously fidgeting over the unexpected visitors yet she's welcoming us in her home, pulling out seats and smiling warmly. To me, it's the perfect picture of making a home an embassy for the Lord. Though things are not perfect, still smiling, offering seats, showing obvious signs of caring and graciously accepting the unexpected visitors. 

Here in this foreign land I'm visiting to share the love of Jesus, I am the one getting a lesson on loving like Jesus and hospitality full of grace. Many times I have avoided inviting people in my home because it's not perfect - dishes are randomly left piling in the sink, shoes are left scattered in the entry because we can't seem to put them on the shelves that were built for them, clutter consisting of books, papers, and evidence of all activities randomly fill our tables. And if someone was to show unexpectedly? I'd probably be visibly frustrated, straightening things rapidly or worse - I'd stand on the porch visiting with them and not even inviting them in. How unwelcoming of me.

So on day 3 of delivering food and loving on people, I'm getting a lesson on hospitality. A reminder that a smile, offering a seat and a quick laugh at the surrounding mess is all that's needed to set those around you at ease, welcome them in your home and concentrate on what is most important - being welcoming, connecting and loving on people. 

Light of the World

The second morning of delivering food bags for our team was vastly different than the first. There was no steep hill making us all question our fitness levels and ability to breathe. Stories from the families we visited were a bit more uplifting though still had moments of hardship. Homes were a bit more put together with some even having concrete floors. One home was particularly inspirational. I could say it was because of the pride the young woman had in her husband's craftsmanship of their new home extension moving her from her in-laws home to right behind it in their own area. Or I could say it was the giggling kids that three of our team members got caught up in playing with giggles of their own. But really the most uplifting and biggest blessing was a wall area written on by one of her sons. The afternoon before our visit to this home we had our first VBS session. The lesson was on Jesus being the light of the world and how we can share His light with those around us. The Bible verse was John 8:12 where Jesus says "I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life." And there on the wall, written in Spanish was a message about the eternal light illuminating the world. Now whether he wrote this before or after attending VBS I am not sure but what we saw was evidence of God moving in the hearts of those we were loving on and that was inspiring to us. 

After delivering four food bags and a water filtration system to families, things were relaxed as our teams conversed, relaxed and reflected upon our morning. Entering the gate comes a young man who is introduced as being the grandson of one of our deliveries. He hugs us all upon arrival and very happy to just converse hang out with us. 

Then the conversation gets heavy. He imparts so many worries he has on his 17 year old heart. Worries for his future. Worries for his family. Worries over a friend. So much heaviness. Emotions run high and support is given in the form of large hugs and major prayers. It was a hard thing to witness, a heaviness on such a young soul and knowing the only thing we could bring to comfort was prayer. 

But God was there in that moment. God knew who would be there. God knew there would be support for that young man. God knew and still knows exactly what he needs. Because God is in the pain and worries. He's whispering in the storm for our focus to not be on the circumstances of this world but to be on on Him. He's reminding us that we just have to look to Him for support, comfort, provisions, healing and more because He has us in His hands. 

This day, similar to the day before, had moment of heavy that seemed unbearable but God's light shined on us and blessed us through it all. Our message to the kids, Jesus is the light of the world they could share His light with all those around them was never more apt than when we were there serving the community. His light shined through us as we delivered water filtration systems, food, as we conversed, as we sang and danced, and especially as we lifted those in need to the throne of the Almighty. In those moments, we may have been shining our Jesus lights on those around us, but again the bigger blessing was on the team. For we were receiving light shining brighter on us from the welcoming smiles, the privilege of sharing vulnerabilities, the honor of praying over those in the community and the hugs of all the families and kids as they welcomed us in their lives. 

 

Faith In Hardships

The day starts with a bountiful breakfast, fixed by smiling women and served buffet style. Three mission teams, most wearing their own large smiles, some showing a bit of nerves of the unknown, gather to eat before heading out to serve the surrounding communities. After breakfast, some load on a bus while others wait to hear our paths for the day. 

My daughter and I are part of the nervous ones. Unsure of the plan, but willing to follow. As the morning progresses, we are finally started on our part of the day - home visits where we get to know the families, find out about their faith and church life, and deliver food to aid them with physical needs. Sounded easy enough and I personally really looked forward to meeting the members of the surrounding community. We gathered our day bags filled with items we felt we might need, filled up our water bottles and picked up the food bags for our teams before setting out. First minute in and I knew this was going to be difficult because their hills are no joke and our team was set to start up one. 

As we came upon a rickety gate, made a bit of wood but mostly a sheet of tin, we walk onto a dirt path leading to a small garden area and a smiling woman. Her clothes are worn, house not what we would say was good living conditions in the United States yet her smile and demeanor is warm and welcoming. The conversation is a blend of English and Spanish, with our amazing translator bridging the gap between both cultures, commonalities and differences are laid out as we talk families, faith, and lives. Excitement ensues as she mentions expecting a new granddaughter on this day and honor is bestowed upon us as she allows us to pray over her and her family. We leave feeling uplifted and blessed to make this first connection before trudging up the steep hill for our next home visit. 

Our next home visit is harder physically to get to as we're still adapting to lower oxygen saturation levels, walking up a steep hill before walking at a decline down a rough path to a tin home with a tight fit for our team coming to visit. Sitting on a wooden chair is an 80 year old man and playfully greeting us is his 6 year old daughter. The conversation is hard as we learn he had broken his leg a year or more ago and has been unable to walk. Costs for the needed surgery are too high for him and when the nearby clinic was able to offer a lower cost surgery, the specialized items needed for it were not attainable by the clinic. He counts on his granddaughter's presence to help with chores and picking things in the garden. Yet even amidst his pain and limitations, he has a welcoming smile, he prays to God, he loves his granddaughter and he's still moving forward. He showed amazing faith and even more, amazing perseverance. No complaints, just living life the best way he could and grateful for what he was capable of.

Our next three visits would be similar. Climbing the increasingly steep hill to the next gates, walking the rough paths to homes that our country would not declare acceptable to children and pets, and starting conversations with the purpose of sharing the love of Jesus. The conversations were similar - major physical issues - tumors, diabetes, lung pain, leg pain, and worries for their future - yet they greeted us with welcoming, warm smiles, grateful we were present and happy to receive our meager food offerings. Issues such as transportation and health issues were frequently mentioned on why regular church attendance was not always possible and inability to read were commonplace on why they did not spend time in their Bibles. We empathized, handed over food bags, and prayed as we conversed about their family, faith, church life and prayer requests. 

On the way back down the steep hill that had me rethinking my capability to even breathe, my spirit was heavy with the needs of this community. How could I be a helper here? Why had God called me to this mission field? How would I ever make it through the week without breaking down because the stories were so hard to hear? Returning to camp, I immediately sat down with my Bible and journal, wanting to write down the experiences to reread and pray over and wanting to seek answers from God. Sitting alone, what we had just experienced weighed heavily on my heart. I wanted to go back to every home, hug them all and tell them it'll be okay. Not because of solutions offered by human hands, but because of God. Psalms 34:22 says "The Lord will rescue his servants; no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned." and Ephesians 2:6-7 says "And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.".  The verses bring a peace that I can not give myself. He's with these families and His plans for them are better than any I could even try to make for them. 

So while my human self is stuck on the temporary world we live in with the struggles we all face, God is already here and He already knows what we are struggling through. He's in control and He holds us in His hands. And the perfect example was every family we met - struggling beyond comprehension with worldly needs yet still praying to God regularly and knowing He is their ultimate Provider. 

Growth in the Valleys

 

Arriving in Guatemala was an amazingly good feeling. The few months leading to this much awaited event had been fraught with discouragement - financial, relationships, physical, mental and of course even spiritual. Being attacked on every angle did not leave me in the greatest mind set to have the last 24 hours before arriving being filled with crazy plane issues that led to a Saturday arrival rather than the planned Friday night arrival. But God knew. 

Just like He knew I'd be standing in a valley after we walked out near the volcano to spend some time enjoying the view and seeing first hand the hardened lava of multiple eruptions. Feeling the urge to walk more down the path than where we stopped, I came to a place that reminded me of Psalms 23. The valley wasn't as vast as I picture when I think of David's words, but it was enough to lead me down a path of deep contemplation. 

There I stood, looking out at this small valley, and just seeing all the destruction. Behind me was a bunch of trash, whether left purposely or blown there I do not know, and more black rocky surfaces from past eruptions. My mission team was visible at the top of the hill and yet I stood in this valley feeling so alone. 

But through the destruction and trash, I started noticing some things. New growth. 

Though the ground was utterly destroyed by the hot lava that had flowed out of the volcano and hardened rocks covered the ground, there was still growth. And it reminded me of my past few months; how tested and stretched thin I felt. How I felt as though I was singed on all levels and I had been trying to harden myself against more trials thinking it'd be my only way of coping as I moved forward. 

Then I stood in this small valley, and it hit me so hard that tears filled my eyes and overflowed from my emotions. The reminder that He is with me no matter what I am going through. The reminder that He is growing something new in me, that He is making me holy. That He is growing me to be who He wants me to be. 

Three plane rides - delays, too short of layovers, way too heavy of bags - and all the months up to this point had a purpose. And it was definitely not what I had planned, but it was exactly what He had planned. 

I can not always see why He allows certain things. I get frustrated. I feel discouraged, I feel hopeless as things get harder and harder. Pushing through feels impossible. But God. God is there. God is in control. God knows what His plans are for me. God knew I'd stand in that valley, reflect on His Word, realize the world can harden the heart, it can fill it with trash, it can seem rocky and impossible to deal with but God. He can grow things when I think it's impossible. He knows the path that I can't see in front of me. He sees the impossibility of new life and makes miracles happen. 

So upon our return to the clubhouse/camp we were staying at, I journaled for the first time in forever. I let the emotions flow out, let God's Word flow in and I remembered who I am. I am God's child. And He's got the things I can't see under His control no matter how I feel. He's making me into who I need to be to serve His kingdom. And for that, I am grateful of His love, guidance, wisdom, and protection. 

Glow in the Dark Bracelets

Four glow in the dark bracelets. Four bracelets lighting up the arm of my sweet five year old daughter. Then the drama begins as I innocently suggest she share one, just one, bracelet with her three year old friend. I even go so far to mention that there are nine more in the van awaiting her return, but the pride of ownership and of selfish possession had taken full control and she refused to even contemplate sharing for even a moment.

As we left the church that evening, I spoke to her about sharing with others. How it shows love. How it is kindness. How we share especially when we have so much more. She was intent though, intent on holding on to what she could see on her arm. She was intent on gaining more when we reached the van. "Not all of them mommy. Just to get to seven." As we walked outside into the chilly night and across the darkened parking lot, I was stunned by a revelation. 

I am that five year old. 

I am holding on to the things I can see here in this world, even knowing the abundant blessings that God has ready for me. Blessings greater than anything I have here on this temporary world. 

I am not the only one holding on though. The saddest ones holding on are ones who are not even saved. They know God is real. They know Jesus is real. Yet they will tell you that they are not ready to commit to God. They are not ready to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour. They want to become better before they go to Jesus. They want to get their lives straight. 

I have heard all the excuses and each time my heart breaks for them. They are so busy holding on to what is temporary, what they can see in this world, to accept what God is offering to them. They have the logic to understand there is something greater, their hearts have been prompted by the Holy Spirit yet they keep holding on to this world. 

We as Christians do it too. We hold on to our hurts. Our selfish desires. Our possessions. Our money. Our time. Oh, how we hang on to our time. We know God. We seek God on Sundays, maybe even on Wednesday evenings. Yet when He calls to us Monday through Saturday, we are too busy holding on to other things. Our priorities are just greater in our minds. We have our excuses too. Family. Work. Hobbies. It does not give us peace. It would overwhelm us. No time in our schedules. 

The thing we forget is that when God calls us for something, everything else fades away. He calls us to His glory, not ours. He provides His peace. Our priorities will be fixed to meet His goals. But first we have to let go. Let go of our selfish desires and wants in our lives. Let go of the priorities we think are important to our family. Let go of our hurts and let Him heal us. Go to Him more than just one or maybe two days a week. We know theses things. We know His plans are so much better than ours. We know everything works to His glory. If we know, why are we still holding on?

We are all like five year olds, holding on to our glow in the dark bracelets. Even though we know our Father has more than we will ever need waiting on us. 

Momlife Bootcamp Part 3

It's the final day of bootcamp. I have been covered in God's blessings. I have met other moms struggling in similar areas as I do, I have burst into tears as I face the changes God has allowed in my life and admitted my doubts in myself and God has covered me in His love and reminded me of who I am in Him using MomLife speakers, staff and guests.

Barbara Rainey is up to speak today. She is covering the topic "The Woman God Created Me to Be". I already know it is going to be amazing!

The first thing Barbara does is puts forth four questions: Who does God want me to become? What does God want me to become? What does God want from me? How do I become that woman? My answers: I dunno (shoulder shrug and dumbfounded expression and all).

Who does God want me to become? Well, Barbara does this ingenious thing - she opens up the Bible. (Wow, why didn't I think of that?) I need to grow and become holy - like Jesus. What does God want me to become? God wants me to become unique, like no other woman, looking to Him and not comparing myself to women around me. What does God want from me? I am to be women of courageous faith. It always requires courage to follow Jesus. How do I become the woman God wants me to be? By walking in the Spirit. The Bible is the most important book I have andI need to breathe, eat, and drink His Word. Listen to the spirit and imitate God.

Also, remember - I am no to be the Spirit to my husband or children. I need to pray that my husband and children will listen to the voice of the Spirit. I need to pray for the Spirit to help me and not harden my heart towards Him. Repentance and listening to the Spirit is a constant process.


The session has ended and women are standing up taking turns sharing how they were blessed this weekend. One mom struggles with special needs child. Another mom struggles with feeling worthy of her children. A mom shares her daughter's struggle with cutting and the impact it has had on her. Another mom shares she used to be a cutter. A mom shares her husband's letter of encouragement he gave her before she left. Between struggles and praises we all came for this weekend. Everyone who shared ended with the same thing - God was here, we were blessed and God is doing great things.


It is now Sunday evening. I left here Friday just to check off something on my to do list. I returned today reminded of who I am in Christ, who I am to my children and husband, and what I need to be as a mom. I am intent that life is not going to distract me from my greater purpose - Being the mom God created me to be.

Bible references: 1 Peter; Eph 2:10, 1:5; Phil 2:13; Heb 12:2; End of John (Peter and Jesus); Eph 5:1; Rom 12:1